Raiders fans are complaining that they don’t have any prime time games this year. Don’t fret Raiders fans, with flex scheduling, if you have a good enough team and one of your matchups is deemed exciting, you could have a prime time game! Ah crap, I forgot! You’re the Oakland Raiders! There is a 1:1 (100% for the non-math majors) chance that you’ll suck! If you haven’t read about the first eight weeks, click here.

Week 9
New England at Indianapolis: Peyton Manning only has one ring, but his SNL appearance was WAY better than Tom Brady’s! Who wants rings anyway? Rings are for girls, right Peyton?
Dallas at Philadelphia: This is always a good game, but at this point in the season Donovan McNabb will be out for the season with an injury and Tony Romo will have been benched in favor of a stale muffin.

Week 10
Detroit at Arizona: Arizona will lose. It will be about this time when they discover that the new Cardinals stadium was built on top of an old indian burial ground. Is it seven more years of bad luck? More like 77 for the Cardinals!
San Francisco at Seattle: That’s right, I’m a Seahawks fan. By now it will be evident that they are THE team in the NFL!

Week 11
Chicago at Seattle: Seeing this matchup on the schedule makes me happier than when I heard Phil Collins and Genesis were doing a reuion tour! Oh wait, that wasn’t happiness, I was vomiting.
Tennessee at Denver: This is a Monday Night Football game? This is going to be a worse beating than the one Naomi Campbell gives her assistants.

Week 12
Green Bay at Detroit: Football and Thanksgiving, best combination ever. Better than milk and cookies, Jordan and Pippen, Turner and Hooch…? Yes.
Indianapolis at Atlanta: Peyton Manning versus Ronald Mexico. One word. Epic.
Houston at Cleveland: One of those games where the two teams are so bad that the game might actually be good. I pick Cleveland because Drew Carey said so.
Miami at Pittsburgh: Oh snap! Joey “I got shot in the ass” Porter faces off against his old team!

Week 13
New England at Baltimore: Think for a moment what it would have been like if Bill Belichick and Ray-Ray would have been on the same team during Ray’s glory years.

Week 14
Miami at Buffalo: In a parallel universe, these two teams will be battling for control of the AFC East. In the real world, however, they will already be out of playoff contention.
Indianapolis at Baltimore: Does the NFL hate Baltimore? I mean I know most of America does, but I thought the NFL was above that. Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti kicked Roger Goodell’s ass back in high school. True story.
New Orleans at Atlanta: If D.J. Shockley is lucky, he’ll get about as much crap-hype as Matt Shaub and will cash in when free agency starts.

Week 15
Seattle at Carolina: The majority of ESPN analysts will pick the Panthers to; a) represent the NFC in the Super Bowl b) end global warming c) cut a Grammy-winning album and d) single-handedly end the Iraq conflict. Then Seattle will do what it usually does and prove them all wrong.
Indianapolis at Oakland: Can you say ass kicking? Then again, that won’t even do this matchup justice.
Detroit at San Diego: The NFL is just pulling our leg now. This can’t be the real Week 15 schedule.

Week 16
Atlanta at Arizona: They say dry heat cures the nastiest of herpes outbreaks (Ronald Mexico jokes never get old).
Denver at San Diego: Just an old-fashioned, smashmouth game. Guarenteed to be good or your money back.

Week 17
New Orleans at Chicago: Hopefully these two teams are still good.
Detroit at Green Bay: Looks like Brett Favre’s last game ever will be a win! Retire damnit!
Cincinnati at Miami: Levi Jones is marking his calendar as you read this. Watch out Joey.

Well that’s all folks! The great thing about the NFL is that there is rarely a bad game. Even two 0-15 teams facing off in Week 17 can be exciting. So while this is just a simple guide to get you lined up, make sure you have plenty of beer so you can enjoy ALL the games!

Despite having the roster talent of a second-tier Arena Football League team, Detroit is tentatively penciled in on this years NFL schedule. I keep waiting for the owners meeting where they decide it’s time for Bill Ford and company to pack up their shit and move to the AFL. Maybe next year. That being said, the official schedule is out, and I am stoked (it’s the little things that keep me going during the NFL’s offseason).

Some matchups you might want to mark on the calender…

Week 1
New Orleans at Indianapolis: The official start of the season!
Detroit at Oakland: The loser of this game will be on the clock!
New England at N.Y. Jets: Eric Mangini really hates Bill Belichick.
Miami at Washington: Will Ricky Williams bring it? Oh he’ll bring it alright, if by “it” you mean a bong and a dime bag.

Week 2
San Diego at New England: No more Martyball? I shed a tear.
Seattle at Arizona: Go ahead “experts”, pick Arizona to make it to the playoffs. I dare you!

Week 3
Indianapolis at Houston: Hey Matt Shaub, with all the damn hype you get, apparently you’re as good as Peyton Manning. I guess we’ll find out, but I think we all know the truth, YOU ARE!!! *kidding*

Week 4
Seattle at San Francisco: An early trendy pick, the 49ers face real competition for the first time.
Denver at Indianapolis: Always a good matchup because Denver usually loses.

Week 5
N.Y. Jets at N.Y. Giants: Subway series! They should have the stadium on the line (since the Jets can’t get their own). Loser has to play at some high school.

Week 6
New Orleans at Seattle: We all know New Orleanians hate water and it sure does rain a lot in Seattle. Go ‘Hawks!

Week 7
Tennessee at Houston: It will be sad when the city of Houston comes the realization that Matt Shaub sucks. It will be even sadder when they actually boo Shaub and cheer for Vince Young.

Week 8
N.Y. Giants at Miami: Grab some tea bitches! This game’s in London! Finally we show those limey Brits what real football is!
Green Bay at Denver: Brett Favre’s last Monday night game? If we’re lucky, he will have already retired mid-season (oh yes, I DID go there).

Stay tuned….The rest when I return. I need to get to class!