I know Barry Bonds is juiced up and stuff, but I’ve never seen anyone throw someone under the bus so hard. No wonder he hits home runs like he’s as juiced as an African bull elephant. I think Mark Sweeney broke his femur getting thrown under the bus like that. Leave it to Bonds to make everything all right though.

“I want to express my deepest apologies especially to Mark and his family as well as my other teammates, the San Francisco Giants organization and the fans,” Bonds said. What a guy. First he throws Sweeney under the bus but then he’s right there to scrape his tread marked ass off the asphalt.

Bonds, if you didn’t get it from Sweeney then why did you lie about it? Why bust up Sweeney’s steroid-free mojo? For a guy that is constantly strung out on steroids, and apparently amphetamines, I really expected you to have some better excuses prepared. I’ll help you out. Here are some surefire excuses for the next time you get caught. I suspect it won’t be long.

“I got it from Mark Sweeney’s locker.” – Oh wait, you used that one and it didn’t work. I have more.

“Red Bull doesn’t give you wings. It will, however, make you test positive for amphetamines.”

“I was out with Paris Hilton last night. She’s practically a walking amphetamine. Strictly a contact high. That’s different, right?”

“Steroids AND amphetamines?! How on Earth am I supposed to hit home runs this season?” – This is strictly a sympathy plea.

“Oh no, that wasn’t my pee. Currenty, I’m as jacked up as Nick Nolte. I just paid some hooker for her pee. How was I to know she was going to test positive?!”

“You’re breaking my balls Bud, breaking my balls. There was a time when McGwire, Sosa and myself would swim in pools filled with steroids and speed. Where have those days gone?” – A good nostalgic plea. Bud remembers those days!

“Someone spiked my suppository. I swear to God.”

“I’m not going back to the Pirates! No way, no how!” – Most people will sympathise with you here.

“Trying to keep me from cheating is like trying to negotiate peace in the Middle East. ‘A’ for effort though!”

Keep doing what you do Bonds. You’re a true American hero.